Tuesday, May 12, 2009

the difficult post

This is, ostensibly, a knitting blog, though you might not know it from the lack of actual knitted items featured here recently. However, I also feel that I've made some cyber "friends" through this site, and so I want to keep my friends up-to-date about important goings on in my non-knitting life as well. So here goes.

I mentioned in my last post that I was currently separated from my stash. This is because, sadly, I am also currently separated from my husband. I have been living with my parents for the last six weeks or so (which is an entirely different trauma best left for another post), and with all that is going on, knitting has fallen by the wayside.

My husband would say that separating was my idea, although he's the one that brought it up. The reason for this is nothing so ugly or dramatic--no domestic violence, no clandestine drug use, secret second wife, mafia connections, or anything of the sort. Rather I had finally come to terms, after months or years of denying my feelings, with what I believe is the reality of our relationship--we are not in love. We were at some point, I remember, but it seems long ago. We do love each other, but our relationship had slowly become more and more platonic. We began to connect less, talk less, spend less time together. When we did spend time together, it seemed we would argue more often then not. Passion, romance, excitement, all disappeared, and though I tried to rediscover them, I failed. We had companionship, which I believe might be acceptable when you're, say, in your 70s, but at our age, it seems like settling.

In retrospect, we should've addressed these issues sooner, but I was afraid of hurting his feelings, which is of course what ultimately happened anyway. We have never been very good at communicating, which is just another in the laundry list of problems in the relationship. And though I thought perhaps I could be content with our friendship, because he has been a good husband, I finally realized that staying in this relationship was denying us the opportunity to find the kind of love I think we both deserve.

Of course, he is upset and hurt and angry. He feels we haven't tried hard enough, though I've tried to explain that I've spent more than a year trying to change the way I feel and failing miserably. He wants to know when and why my feelings changed, and I don't have answers for him. I simply don't know. What I do know is that this isn't what I want for the rest of my life. I look at his parents, who barely speak to each other but stay together, and refuse to end up the same way.

So, perhaps I am making a mistake. Or maybe I am a horrible person. Certainly I wake up most days feeling like one. But I guess it's my life to live and possibly screw up, or enjoy to the fullest. We'll see which one it turns out to be.

On a much, much lighter note, just to cheer you all up a bit, I am drooling over the shop update at Sunshine Yarns. Has anyone tried the Luxury Sport? It looks delicious. And the new colorways in the soft sock yarn are fantastic. How much sock yarn can one supremely slow sock knitter have?


Not ready for handspun said...

Here's hoping that when both of you look back on this maybe a year or two from now, you are both happier, healthier and more fulfilled. And you both recognize that it was for the best.

But also know that it usually takes longer for the person who was left to reach that point than it does for the person who did the leaving.

So I'm wishing you strength and support for the dark days ahead, and happy endings when you are both ready for them

leann said...

I'm so sorry, Kristen! I've found over the years that following your heart rarely leads you in the wrong direction, no matter how painful it may be at the time.

On a lighter note, WHY did you have to link to Sunshine Yarns when I'm on a yarn diet? I seriously want that Peacock yarn!

Clumsy Knitter said...

Oh Kristen, I am sorry to hear that you're going through rough times. It's easy to doubt your decisions when they're this big, but when it comes down to it, only you can truly know what will make you happy in the long run. It will take time to feel at peace with your choices, but I am sure that you will find a place of happiness and contentment. I'm thinking of you. :)

Knittymuggins said...

I'm so very sorry for all that you're going through right now :( It must have been a really tough decision, but at least you are being honest with yourself. And, whether your husband believes it or not, you are also thinking of him in the sense that you are giving him the chance as well to find someone that is truly, deeply in love with him. There are times when the things we are going through seem like the worst possible situation to be in, but we almost always learn something or find a better path for ourselves through those trials. Wishing you much strength & hoping that all is better soon! Thanks so much for sharing & keeping us posted :) You'll be in my thoughts!